Does my writing sound good? would you read this? criticism is welcome!?

My advice is: dont try sooo hard to sound interesting. Let the story raise eyebrows a bit too. Its a hard balance to strike and understand but I believe with some editing and reworking you can get it. It is vivid enough but pay more attentin to varying your sentence structure to make the overall impression more diverse instead of choppy. Make sense? :) Hope so! Good work though.